September 9, 2016
I’m FINALLY allowed to go down to the NICU but only once I prove to the nurse that I can stand on my own. GOOD GOD WHY DOES IT BURN?! No one ever prepared me for a c-section. It wasn’t an option. Now, my legs barely work and my incision burns like the fires of hell!
But dammit, I’m going to walk and I’m going to get down to that NICU.
*Fake smile* “Yes, nurse. I’m fine. I can walk. Watch.”
Hubby wheels me down to the second floor where the NICU is. We scrub down and turn the corner. There he is. Laying there. Sleeping. Tubes in his nose and down his stomach.
We can’t touch him. We can’t hold him. We can only sit there and watch him but dammit they’ll have to pry me out of this chair.
They bring me a pump to use which I’m forever grateful for because my boobs feel like shit. They’re rock hard, swollen, and bursting at the seams.
I’m pumping every 3 hours. Am I doing this right? Why does this hurt? Is my nipple supposed to do that? Can I get a lactation consultant in here? “We’ll add you to the list.”
The next few days are a blur. Between going from my room to the NICU every few hours to my doula coming and milking me like a cow to the floor nurses being super impressed that I could “practically feed the whole floor with my milk supply”, somewhere in there I finally got to hold and breastfeed my son. And I didn’t want to put him down.
September 10th came and went. No progress, no news.
September 11th came and went. No progress, no news.
September 12th came and, although he was doing better, they still wanted to monitor him. By midday, he was finally released to our room.
September 13th midday, he is reevaluated and given the OK to go home!
Within the next hour, we were packing the car and driving off finally able to bring our little bundle of joy home.
I didn’t process any of this for a few months. I just accepted it and moved on because I was so overwhelmed with having a newborn to care for. This is not the way to do it, I assure you.
Check out post 4 where I talk about my postpartum anxiety and depression and the events that have unfolded since September 13, 2016.
Allesanda received her Bachelors in Behavioral Science from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette in December 2013. She now lives in North Texas with her husband and children. As a doula and educator of infant sleep and eco-friendly living, she blogs about pregnancy, birth, postpartum, holistic health, and parenting.